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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25888639">you're the one to change your story</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laulerelelere/pseuds/idontreallylikebutterflies'>idontreallylikebutterflies (Laulerelelere)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Correspondence as a way to say I love you, Epistolary, Letters, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Redemption, Wizard Yearning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:47:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,009</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25888639</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laulerelelere/pseuds/idontreallylikebutterflies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I imagine you're all reading this together, because I know your group doesn't practice privacy. I do not know what I'm offering. My honesty? What is that worth? My secrets are not things I can—or should—write about in a letter, but seeing you in person feels too dangerous. Your safety means the world to me, and I wouldn't be able to deal with myself if you became enemies of the Dynasty because of my actions.<br/>I don't know what the purpose of this letter is, I suppose. I just wanted to clear any misunderstandings I might have created with the kindest people I have ever known.<br/>Essek."</p><p>Essek sends a letter apologising. It starts something.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>270</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you're the one to change your story</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Caleb,</p><p>Most forms of communication are incredibly dangerous right now. I suppose this one is not any less dangerous, but I find myself not caring—or maybe caring more about keeping in touch. Being limited to 25 words whispered to our mutual friend so as not to be heard is not enough for what I want to say.</p><p>I recently realized that I keep coming back to the words you said to me that night at the party. It isn't easy to finally allow myself to bear the full weight of my mistakes. However, it's even harder to remember that I lost your trust, utterly and completely, all because of my own selfishness. This selfishness which is driving me again, this time to a much nobler objective: to communicate with the people who, for a few months, I considered my first actual friends.</p><p>The ways in which I have erred in my more distant past are beyond fixing. I am aware of that, but I am also aware that had it not been for your intervention, I would not be even considering a future in which I do not forget my past. So for that, I thank you. However, in the hurricane that have been my thoughts in the time since I last saw you, I keep coming back to memories that should be the eye of the storm, but that are as incontrolable as the rest of it in the guilt that they cause.</p><p>The evening I spent having dinner with you and your friends is probably one of the happiest of my life, and I tainted it. I tainted it with unnecessary lies, lies told to build a trust and admiration that had already been there. I said some false things about myself, and I keep thinking about how unfair that was. You and your friends, you opened up your house for me and were as open and friendly as you could. And I repaid you in the worst possible way. </p><p>I imagine you're all reading this together, because I know your group doesn't practice privacy. I do not know what I'm offering. My honesty? What is that worth? My secrets are not things I can—or should—write about in a letter, but seeing you in person feels too dangerous. Your safety means the world to me, and I wouldn't be able to deal with myself if you became enemies of the Dynasty because of my actions.</p><p>I don't know what the purpose of this letter is, I suppose. I just wanted to clear any misunderstandings I might have created with the kindest people I have ever known. </p><p>Essek.</p><p>P.S.: I don’t have to remind you to be careful with this letter, but in case anyone other than Caleb is the one holding this paper: burn it. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Essek,</p><p>Are you okay? This is not to say we don’t appreciate your sudden correspondence—we do. However, there seems to be a strange tone to your last letter. We said we don’t trust you, and this has not changed, but what we said is still true: we don’t think you cannot change. We hope the best of you. </p><p>You seem to want to talk to us. I understand the dangers, I understand why you wouldn’t want to see us. However, we will be back at the Xhorhaus soon. Come see us if you want to. We don’t want you out of our lives, mostly. There have been some differing opinions in the group, but that doesn’t matter—and it isn’t something we should argue over letters. </p><p>I hope I have helped calm down your fears, and I hope to see you soon.</p><p>Caleb.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dear Essek, </p><p>Hi! Caleb won't let me add to his letter so I'm writing one myself. We have burnt your letter, so don’t worry. Caleb actually burnt it before Beau had time to re-read it—it was actually kind of impressive, because Beau is super fast and Caleb is super not.</p><p>Please come have dinner with us! We will prepare a lot of food and then will finish it for breakfast next morning and then we’ll go to the hot tub and relax. Or maybe we’ll go to the war room and plan. I guess it depends on where the conversation goes? Or maybe we’ll go to the happy room! Have you ever been to the happy room? I don’t know if we bought any furniture for it, but we can go anyway!</p><p>I don’t know what Caleb said in his letter, because he’s not letting us read it. He stuck it inside one of his books and we’d feel super bad if we got anywhere near his books so like maybe I’m repeating what he said! But we don’t hate you. Your letter is a little bit like you think we hate you and you still love us all a lot and don’t know what to do? We don’t hate you! You super fucked up and we don’t think you should be trusted with a lot of power right now, but that’s not bad! I mean it’s a little bad, but we want to give you another opportunity! Second opportunities are definitely good. </p><p>Like. We wouldn’t give you, I don’t know, some magical, powerful thing like the Happy Fun Ball, but we would invite you to our home! I think your relationship with knowledge is a little messed up, Essek, but I don’t think you’re incapable of friendship. We have annoyed you a lot but you don't hate us, so let us annoy you some more. </p><p>A really big hug, </p><p>Jester.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Caleb,</p><p>You say my last letter was unexpected. I do hope you were not using that as an euphemism for unwanted, because I am writing to you again. I plan on sending this as soon as I can, unlike the drafts of that first letter, which lay forgotten on a pile of wrinkled paper under my bed. </p><p>Thank you for our conversation when I visited, and thank you for defending me. I should have known the night would get a little out of control. I'm sure I won't be welcome again in the Xhorhaus, but I'm hoping—I don't know. </p><p>I suppose I just want to thank you for giving me something to think about. I don't want to cause tensions within your group, and it was obvious that both Beauregard and Veth thought trying to do good moving forward was not a good enough way to redeem myself. Maybe it's not, not for me. </p><p>I don't think I'll write again. I'm not worth you fighting with your friends. Still, contact me if you are ever in need of anything. Please. </p><p>Essek.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Essek,</p><p>You seem to be under the misguided impression that the rest of the group and I don't ever fight, or that if we do fight, you are what could break us apart. As I write you this letter, we are trying to cram ourselves into the dome. Beau is trying to kick Fjord's face because he won't allow her enough space for her legs. Caduceus is trying to pray to the Wildmother. Jester is doing the same with the Traveler, but she's speaking out loud. </p><p>We fight all the time. We can all be very stubborn, which is helpful when fighting monsters that could kill us, or when we are facing incredibly powerful people and have to lie our way out of sticky situations. It isn't helpful when we are trying to calmly debate a morally complicated issue. </p><p>Keep writing, Essek. I won't share with the others—I'll burn the letters after reading them, because Beauregard has been known for stealing mail—but it's nice to know how you're doing in more than 25 words. I guess you're still doing research, too, still going to work. Tell me about what you can tell me. Keep me updated on what you decide to do, on how you're feeling about the situation.</p><p>Don't assume all of us want you out of our lives.</p><p>Caleb.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Caleb,</p><p>I have been sitting in front of the paper for two hours, and I don't still can't find anything to write down. I guess this is a curse that you demanded to bear, so I will try.</p><p>There are things I cannot legally rely, that your group probably knows about anyway, so it doesn't matter I cannot tell you. There are also things that wouldn't entertain you, entire days where all I do is make insufferable small talk with people I don't care about. I can only talk about my personal life, and I don't have much of that. </p><p>I saw my brother recently. He had been busy helping with the aftermath of the war, but he has finally been allowed to come home. He looked good, healthy. Not even a little tired, as he usually is. You haven’t met him, but he is―energetic.</p><p>He believes so much in this country it's terrifying.</p><p>You are an only son, if I'm not mistaken. I don't know if you'd recognise the experience, of growing up next to someone, of being a part of their upbringing, and then one day realising that you don't know them. That you're putting on a show for your parents at the dinner table because you haven't exchanged a word in months. </p><p>He looked well, and I was happy he looked well. It was awkward. Dinner with my mother always feels like a test, like I’m constantly being reminded of the fact that she doesn’t think I’m worthy of being her son. I don’t know why I keep accepting to have dinners with them. I don’t know why I stay here when I could leave, though that would probably be too suspicious for my own good.</p><p>That was the most relevant thing that happened all week, though. The rest was exhausting and monotonous. I’m sure your week was much more exciting, and much more dangerous. </p><p>Hoping you’re okay,</p><p>Essek.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Essek,</p><p>You sound stressed out, friend. If there is anything that we can do to make your burdens less noticeable, please let me know. I would convince the others to help―though I cannot swear for the effectiveness of any of our plans.</p><p>Writing for a long time is not an option right now―we’re running away from the town this morning because of an issue with a noble whose pants fell down in front of everyone at a party. Officially, no one saw us do it, and so it was not Jester’s fault.</p><p>I do not have any siblings, that is correct. I did have a little cousin, but my dad and his mom had a tense relationship and we never saw each other. Within the Nein, maybe Caduceus could be the one who relates to your situation. Beauregard has a brother that is too small for them to have a bad relationship and Veth and her brothers don't speak to each other at all.</p><p>I’m sorry you and your brother haven’t been able to know each other as adults. I would say that now that he is in town is as good a time as any other, but I don’t know him. I don’t know if that would be a good idea, you’re the only one who can judge that.</p><p>There is a lot more that I wanted to say, but I am afraid that I have to leave now. I would like to see you this week when we come back, though. Maybe I can go by your place this Sunday? Let me know if this is not something you wish to do, because unless you do so you’ll see me there.</p><p>Caleb.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Caleb, </p><p>I apologize for my brother so, so much. I did not know at what time you would come and he would not leave. I followed your advice, as he made obvious.</p><p>I talked to him that Saturday. We yelled―well, he yelled but I did get mildly exasperated. He accused me of always having thought that I was better than him and I admitted it was true. I think he actually realised I had good intentions at that point. We talked a lot about our mother. I guess insulting her together helped clear the air somewhat.</p><p>He accepted my offer of staying the night instead of going back to our mother’s house, which might mean I’m back to not being the most hated family member. However, the next morning when I told him I was expecting company he refused to leave until he met you. I’m sorry we weren’t able to talk one on one, in the end. I would have made more of an effort to try and throw him out had I known you were leaving today. </p><p>I know it has been two weeks since we last saw each other, but he is still here. Verin, that is. He has been trying to convince me all morning to try to make a recipe of a sort of sweet we both enjoyed when we were children. Neither of us knows how to bake. My kitchen is going to be a disaster, by the end of it. </p><p>Thank you,</p><p>Essek.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Essek, </p><p>You don’t have to apologize for your brother. That is like me apologising for having to leave early because Jester remembered she needed my help with something around the house and then insisted on meeting your brother when you told her he was there: utterly useless. It seems we have both surrendered ourselves with people who care only in the most invasive of ways.</p><p>(Yes, we’re making more modifications to the house. No, I cannot talk about them. I have been sworn to secrecy, in case it’s illegal here. I’m afraid it might.)</p><p>I was glad to see you regardless of our talk being more public than I hoped. I wanted to offer comfort about your situation with your mother, but it seems like you already found some on your own. I’m glad that happened. </p><p>This trip is being cut short. We were supposed to be seeing an old friend, but she will be busier than expected and didn’t want our help. I’m sending this the moment we get back to Xhorhas, so you should come by next week so I can see you. Beauregard might suspect that I’ve been talking to you, so it won’t matter if she sees you. That’s too long to explain right now, but I should give you a heads up anyway.</p><p>Caleb.</p><p>P.S.: Jester is insisting that I tell you that she thinks your brother is very nice. Also, the rumours aren’t true, are they? Please answer.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dear Caleb,</p><p>I’m writing this on the only free moment I have this morning. I don’t know what the rumours say, but I’m fine regardless. There was an attack made against me, but nothing happened in the end. My brother told me that you came by while I was out―I don’t know if I will be able to visit soon, but know I’m fine. I’m very curious on how Beauregard found out about these letters. </p><p>See you soon, </p><p>Essek.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Essek, </p><p>Caleb is worried shitless about you. You say you’re fine, but I read the letter while he was in the bathroom and you didn’t specify whether the attacker hurt you. </p><p>Look. I know we aren’t on the best of terms and I still think you’re sketchy at best BUT Caleb seems to trust you and Jester seems to trust you. I think Jester trusts too easy and tries too hard to see the good in everyone, and Caleb is biased in your favor. </p><p>However, I guess you are trying to be better. We’ve heard, you know. About you teaching magic to people who cannot afford a tutor and about you and your brother apparently donating to help people who lost their homes during the war. I don’t think that’s enough to solve the shit you did, but it’s good that you’re trying to help others. I guess having to interact patiently with little, sticky kids is a sort of punishment for you. </p><p>I’m sorry, I guess. For thinking that you have no redemption. Now stop making Caleb think that you’re avoiding him and come over. I promise I won’t call you an asshole to your face.</p><p>Beau.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dear Essek, </p><p>Thank you for coming over last night. I was glad to see you weren’t hurt. It seems you had actually been very busy―are there any political messes occuring that we are not being told about?</p><p>I wanted to ask something. I know Beauregard read your letter and I know she sent you something herself―what did she say that made you come here so quickly? </p><p>I’ll admit I was very worried about you. You seemed at the very least overworked, or at least like you did not want to see me. Being busy is a curse both of us can’t get rid of, I guess. Don’t you ever think about starting over? About having a school of magic that will teach everyone about its intricacies? I guess these thoughts are little more than daydreams, but they are enjoyable, anyway.</p><p>You complained that my letters almost never include any actual story about my day, so allow me to share a little with you today: I woke up to the sound of an explosion. </p><p>You see, we had a project. It was going to be some sort of alarm, a security system for our home so that no one will break in when everyone is outside. I had to make them rein in the most violent parts of the project, and it actually seemed like it was going quite well.</p><p>Apparently last night they decided to put the violent parts back in. And then they left the alarm on even though everyone was home. And then Fjord woke up in the morning and tried to get breakfast and apparently the machine, which was supposed to shoot an arrow at him, had overheated during the night and upon being forced to shoot, exploded instead. </p><p>The worst part of this is that our neighbors weren’t alarmed at all at the explosion. Those poor people.</p><p>And because I know you, and know you will complain about it, I’ll admit that my own day has not been that exciting. The explosion blew out a wall, so I mostly helped with that. I want to create a variant of the transportation spell, but smaller and for objects and I did some research on it―I’d love to hear your thoughts on that, by the way. </p><p>I have to go. They said they were not going to keep working on the wall, but I can hear hammering coming from downstairs and really hope it’s what they’re working on. </p><p>Come over soon. We can do magic together.</p><p>Caleb.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dear Caleb,</p><p>I was going to do this the last time we saw each other, but I—chickened out, I guess would be the truest statement. </p><p>I'm resorting to something out of the strangely explicit novels Jester carries around with her, so I might be desperate. I know you are usually careful with our letters now, but just in case I'm asking you not to show your friends this one. For my sake, if not for anything else. </p><p>I have feelings for you. I—I feel like if I start writing, if I let myself say all I want to say, I will write for pages and pages, and then I will not send any of them. I wanted to say so much the other day, I was thinking of so many words, that when you got so excited that the spell was working that you almost burnt your sleeve on the candle I just went speechless.</p><p>I have had romantic feelings for a while. They have only gotten more intense since we started sending each other these letters. I know our relationship is complicated, and I know your trust is something I cannot take for granted, much less your love. I do not need for you to return my feelings. I guess I'm just asking for your kindness and your understanding looking forward, if that is, as I suspect, the case. </p><p>Your friendship means the world to me already. Please don't feel bad if that's all you can offer.</p><p>Yours,</p><p>Essek.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dear Caleb, </p><p>I understand that my last letter might have been surprising, but was it necessary to run all the way to my house, kiss me on the lips, tell me you love me and then run back to your friends because you were about to leave on a trip? Could it not have waited? Did you have to leave me so―flabbergasted?</p><p>Waiting for a repeat,</p><p>Essek.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dear Essek,</p><p>I actually found my actions very necessary. You see, someone was not being rational when talking about his feelings. I thought that someone would appreciate an analysis that took into account the fact that I literally told you I wanted a future with you a letter ago. You know, it’s very important, to have input from your peers in this kind of project.</p><p>I do have to apologise for leaving immediately after, I suppose. I wish I could be next to you right now. I promise I’ll go visit you the moment we’re back. I’ll find some excuse to tell my friends.</p><p>Caleb.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dear Caleb: </p><p>I want to hold your hand. It's a childish, overly romantic thought, but it's the truth. I want you to be here next to me so I can intertwine our fingers while you read. I want to brush my thumb over the freckles on your wrist. I want to feel betrayed when you let go so you can re-do the knot on your hair, to feel delighted when your hand is freed again and you grab my hand again. I want to kiss our joined fingers before we go to bed. </p><p>I want so many things, and most of them require for you to be here. I promised I wouldn't write anything that will allow Jester to blackmail you later, or Beauregard to scream, and I won't. I just—I miss your touch. I miss the way you always insist on unbuttoning my cape yourself when we're alone, the brush of your fingers against my neck. I miss how soft your hair feels when you fall asleep on top of me after a rough week. I miss the way you give me kicks under the table when we're having dinner with your friends. I miss you.</p><p>It’s been a while since I last sent you a letter. You’ve barely been away these last few months, but now you’ve been gone for two months and I find I don’t know what to do with myself.</p><p>It is unbearable, to be the Shadowhand full time now that I know I can be so much more when I’m with you. To serve under a Queen who I do not trust, and whose judgment would be severely lacking if she fully trusted me. One does not simply resign from being the Shadowhand, but I wish I could. I guess it could happen—I'd ask you and your friends to publicly humiliate me enough that the Queen would be forced to ask me to leave. You would be good at it, too. Or I’d run away, let my mother worry while I fulfill that dream of yours of having a magic school together.</p><p>You’ve helped me have a life I can be proud of. I’m becoming someone who doesn’t have to hide himself from everyone he meets. There are no words for the amount of gratitude that I feel. I―Sometimes I wish I was a little less in love with you so I could sound like less of a fool when I tell you. I guess I'm just destined to be foolish around you.</p><p>Yours, </p><p>Essek.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Dear Essek,</p><p>Where do you think the school should be?</p><p>Yours,</p><p>A fool.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I started writing this fic 4 months ago, found it the other day cleaning up my drafts and remembered it existed. then today i started re-reading it and realised that even though this is not my usual style i actually liked it, so here it is!<br/>The twitter account where i sometimes talk about CR is LardoDuan and you can leave kudos/write a comment if you enjoyed this fic!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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